AMERICA IS AWESOME

Loin’s Legend

loin — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:01:01 +0000

true dat(a)

Number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, according to a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University: (temperature of human tongue expressed in degrees Celsius) * .98 + (diameter of tootsie pop / (2 * pi) )
Number of licks it takes Ralph Nader to get to the center of a tootsie pop that’s not his and why on Earth does he even think he has the right: 72
Number of people who believe that the Democratic process is an opportunity to foster open dialogue about controversial politial issues: 172,976,447
Of those, number who have studied game theory: 0
Number of games in which Garry Kasparov has indisputably cheated while playing tournament chess against a female opponent: 1
Number of the white guys in the room who complained: 0
Number of years the opponent had to wait before getting her revenge by beating Kasparov outright in tournament play: 4
Percentage of people reading this who are asleep right now: 100
Number of times Barack Obama is black: 7
Quantity, in litres, of Christians who like white guys to be in charge: 17
Number of feelings that are good: 2,341
Occurrences in the King James Bible of the verbatim phrase “I know it sounds crazy but”: 6
Occurrences in the Quran of the verbatim phrase “Now, we wait”: 1
Percentage of D.C. Madams who threaten to speak freely in an election year who do not commit suicide: 0
Number of botoxes in John Kerry’s face that laugh in French and never really have to say anything that means anything and on top of that he windsurfs: 15
Otherwise unimportant rich ladies that really wanted to marry John McCain: 7
Number who actually bagged that viagra-popping, position-on-Bush-flopping, our-military-sojourn-will-inevitably-bury-us-but-’til-then-it-ain’t-never-stopping, charismatic pathos peddler : 1
Number of plays Shakespeare wrote about how the manipulative power of women is the true force that drives humanity: 4
Of those, number in which men fellate each other backstage during intermission: what era are we talking about here? Originally, all of Shakespeare’s works were performed by men - both the male and female roles. This inevitability, of which Shakespeare was acutely aware when penning his masterworks, certainly contributed to a significant number of double meanings encoded in the text. And we all know that gay people are extremely dramatic individuals and usually really into theater and make-believe in general so I’m going to say 4.
Number of Hillary Clintons it takes to screw in a lightbulb: how dare you, you monster
Number of Norwegian carp whose DNA changed spontaenously after being accidentally exposed to fluorinated water in 2006: Going back to the lightbulb thing for a second - this is just another example of the unfairness and inherent bias evident in the relative coverage of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. On behalf of the Clinton campaign I demand that the person responsible be removed from your staff immediately for audaciously and with extreme insensitivity to the privacy of the Clinton family introducing such an outrageous and inflammatory line of questioning.
Ways in which Barack Obama is good: zero

Loin’s Legend

loin — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 00:25:28 +0000

truth in numbness

Number of times Barack Obama used cocaine: i’m guessing 6

Number of times George W. Bush rescued a kitten trapped in a tree: depends on who you talk to

Number of “experimental” experiences Hillary Rodham has had with other women: how dare you, you monster

Number of times William S. Burroughs truly enjoyed making love: 3

Of those, number in which a second party was present: 1

Number in which the second party was a participant: 0

Average increased vertical leaping distance of superdelegates compared to other delegates: 6 inches

Percentage of Chef Boyardee™ canned spaghetti dinners which are basically just dog food: 100

Number of terrible ways in which the rapidly increasing industrialization of China will poison us which are worse than the ways we poison ourselves every day: 3

Of those nefarious Chinese poisons, number which will actually yield enjoyable, if deadly, side effects: 2

Number of years John McCain was a POW: like 7 i think

Number of times I’ve seen The Deer Hunter: 1

Number of people who own an iPhone: 1,132,195

Of those, number who might possibly ever get shot with a bullet: 562

Number of those who deserve it: 483 give or take

Number of people who have viewed a video on YouTube depicting a U.S. soldier murdering a puppy: 657,243

Number of puppies responsible for 9/11: 6

Total number of irrefutable documents proving those puppies were behind it, for real: 1,952

Pounds Colin Powell has gained since 2003: 16

Number of those that are “happy” pounds, you know - just a sign of good livin’: 16

Number of crusty old lesbians in pink tee shirts who ever changed anything except the barren pages of their own dayplanners: 3

Number of times Chelsea Clinton has fallen off a barstool: 0

Number of times Jenna Bush has asked that an event about to occur not happen in her hair: 16

Drafts of Al Gore’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech which included the word “booya”: 4

FORMER MUSLIM, FUTURE PRESIDENT?

blue — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 22:57:44 +0000

IT’S 3AM AND YOUR KIDS ARE SAFE ASLEEP

blue — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 06:06:15 +0000

AMERICAN OF THE WEEK: THE NEW PRESIDENT

blue — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 00:52:44 +0000

SHE’S GONNA DO IT!

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Sooner California Drops Into The Ocean The Better

red — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:29:37 +0000

According to CNN today, the city of Berkeley has decided to ban recruiters for the US Marine Corps from town! Members of commie-feminazi group Code Pink are picketing recruiting offices in an appauling attempt to undermine our efforts to bring peace and democracy to Iraq. I hope they like burkas, because their going to have to wear them. What is truely disgusting about there protest is that if they really hated the war, they should protest the government. Instead they go after the marines. What’s next, the firemen? The good news is that once everyone in Bezerkley has to speak Iranian and read the koran fifteen times a day, all the ugly feminazis will be hidden under burkas.

AMERICAN(S) OF THE WEEK

blue — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 15:53:54 +0000

They (might) be the president.

AMERICAN OF THE WEEK: GEORGE W. BUSH

loin — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 06:25:55 +0000

American of the Week this week is George W. Bush.

He is the President.

THE END OF RACISM

blue — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 12:07:56 +0000

It’s a shame Tony Snow isn’t still on the front lines telling us how it is. In a world full of half-sayers, nay-sayers, misleaders, heartbleeders, and shoulder to cry on needers, he rose above the fray come Hell or high water. I miss him dearly, for he was a true patriot. He knew these colors don’t run, fade, wear out, lose shape, or alter momentarily for any moment.

Like when he bravely heralded the end of racism in our time.

Click here to view the embedded video.

This is a subject that always gets liberals’ panties in a bunch, but the fact is, incontrovertable truth is everywhere on this one.

Ignore that last one.

Loin’s Legend

loin — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 00:43:33 +0000

LOIN’S LEGEND

truth in numerology

Number of times Barack Obama has been described as “eloquent”: 413,132,884
Number of times Kobe Bryant has been described as “polite”: 152
Number of times Malcolm X has been described as “gentlemanly”: 6
Touchdowns that Michael Vick has thrown for and rushed for, combined: 92
Actual ways to skin a cat: 15
Pounds of Chinese food consumed by the average American the day before undergoing plastic surgery, on average: .8
Number of songs Kayne West plans to write about the inherent self-destructive tendency of human vanity: 0
Foods served at MacDonald’s that Hillary Clinton has expressed affection for: 0
Instruments closely related to Jazz that she has performed in public: 0
Number of times she’s been on the Arsenio Hall show: 0
Number of black people reading this blog: 7
Of those, number sired by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins: 2
Number who know it: 1
Average number of Red Bull energy drinks consumed by GIs in Iraq per diem: 12
Average number of wings subsequently granted to those GIs: 1.3
Age of Lindsay Lohan’s liver, in dog years: 28
Kilograms of uncut Nicaraguan cocaine that could be purchased with the net sales of Amy Winehouse’s hit single “Rehab”: 473
Average number of freakshow admissions that money would buy: 92,186,279
Number of pages in the Talmud: 2,711
Number of wrinkles in Madonna’s body (age-related): 9,732
Number of wrinkles in Madonna’s body (other): 1,386
Number of movies Madonna has pitched to her husband about a Jewish prostitute who is really important and mystical and shit: 3
Number of Democrats who would rather vote for Mike Huckabee than be forced to watch the movie “I Heart Huckabees” three times consecutively: 8,872,651
Number of people who voted for George W. Bush twice: 15,301,123
Number of domestic abuse victims who return to their abusers: basically all of them