AMERICA IS AWESOME

true dat(a)

• Number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, according to a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University: (temperature of human tongue expressed in degrees Celsius) * .98 + (diameter of tootsie pop / (2 * pi) )
• Number of licks it takes Ralph Nader to get to the center of a tootsie pop that’s not his and why on Earth does he even think he has the right: 72
• Number of people who believe that the Democratic process is an opportunity to foster open dialogue about controversial politial issues: 172,976,447
• Of those, number who have studied game theory: 0
• Number of games in which Garry Kasparov has indisputably cheated while playing tournament chess against a female opponent: 1
• Number of the white guys in the room who complained: 0
• Number of years the opponent had to wait before getting her revenge by beating Kasparov outright in tournament play: 4
• Percentage of people reading this who are asleep right now: 100
• Number of times Barack Obama is black: 7
• Quantity, in litres, of Christians who like white guys to be in charge: 17
• Number of feelings that are good: 2,341
• Occurrences in the King James Bible of the verbatim phrase “I know it sounds crazy but”: 6
• Occurrences in the Quran of the verbatim phrase “Now, we wait”: 1
• Percentage of D.C. Madams who threaten to speak freely in an election year who do not commit suicide: 0
• Number of botoxes in John Kerry’s face that laugh in French and never really have to say anything that means anything and on top of that he windsurfs: 15
• Otherwise unimportant rich ladies that really wanted to marry John McCain: 7
• Number who actually bagged that viagra-popping, position-on-Bush-flopping, our-military-sojourn-will-inevitably-bury-us-but-’til-then-it-ain’t-never-stopping, charismatic pathos peddler : 1
• Number of plays Shakespeare wrote about how the manipulative power of women is the true force that drives humanity: 4
• Of those, number in which men fellate each other backstage during intermission: what era are we talking about here? Originally, all of Shakespeare’s works were performed by men - both the male and female roles. This inevitability, of which Shakespeare was acutely aware when penning his masterworks, certainly contributed to a significant number of double meanings encoded in the text. And we all know that gay people are extremely dramatic individuals and usually really into theater and make-believe in general so I’m going to say 4.
• Number of Hillary Clintons it takes to screw in a lightbulb: how dare you, you monster
• Number of Norwegian carp whose DNA changed spontaenously after being accidentally exposed to fluorinated water in 2006: Going back to the lightbulb thing for a second - this is just another example of the unfairness and inherent bias evident in the relative coverage of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. On behalf of the Clinton campaign I demand that the person responsible be removed from your staff immediately for audaciously and with extreme insensitivity to the privacy of the Clinton family introducing such an outrageous and inflammatory line of questioning.
• Ways in which Barack Obama is good: zero