AMERICA IS AWESOME

truth in numbness

 

Number of times Barack Obama used cocaine: i’m guessing 6

Number of times George W. Bush rescued a kitten trapped in a tree: depends on who you talk to

Number of “experimental” experiences Hillary Rodham has had with other women: how dare you, you monster

Number of times William S. Burroughs truly enjoyed making love: 3

Of those, number in which a second party was present: 1

Number in which the second party was a participant: 0

Average increased vertical leaping distance of superdelegates compared to other delegates: 6 inches

Percentage of Chef Boyardee™ canned spaghetti dinners which are basically just dog food: 100

Number of terrible ways in which the rapidly increasing industrialization of China will poison us which are worse than the ways we poison ourselves every day: 3

Of those nefarious Chinese poisons, number which will actually yield enjoyable, if deadly, side effects: 2 

Number of years John McCain was a POW: like 7 i think

Number of times I’ve seen The Deer Hunter: 1

Number of people who own an iPhone: 1,132,195

Of those, number who might possibly ever get shot with a bullet: 562

Number of those who deserve it: 483 give or take

Number of people who have viewed a video on YouTube depicting a U.S. soldier murdering a puppy: 657,243

Number of puppies responsible for 9/11: 6

Total number of irrefutable documents proving those puppies were behind it, for real: 1,952

Pounds Colin Powell has gained since 2003: 16

Number of those that are “happy” pounds, you know - just a sign of good livin’: 16

Number of crusty old lesbians in pink tee shirts who ever changed anything except the barren pages of their own dayplanners: 3

Number of times Chelsea Clinton has fallen off a barstool: 0

Number of times Jenna Bush has asked that an event about to occur not happen in her hair: 16

Drafts of Al Gore’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech which included the word “booya”: 4