FINAL BIN LADEN DIARY ENTRY: "WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY DISABLED THE PLAYSTATION NETWORK"

"NOW THE INFIDEL BRATS WILL HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE AND ENJOY A SPRING'S DAY"

MANIACAL LAUGHTER WRITTEN OUT IN LONGHAND

FOOTNOTE REVEALS: "I FEEL INVINCIBLE. NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW. HOLD UP... WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? AMAL AHMED, GO SEE WHAT THAT WAS OUTSIDE. I CAN'T DO IT, I HAVE A CONFERENCE CALL WITH BILL GATES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. YOU KNOW HOW PISSY HE GETS IF IT GOES TO VOICEMAIL. THANK YOU, SWEETHEART. WAIT, WHY AM I WRITING ALL THIS DOWN?"

OBAMA: "I JUST FARTED"

AMERICA: "OH WTF MAN"

FART MACHINE: "(chuckle) Smells like freedom! (open laughter)"
NEWT GINGRICH: "Who ordered Chinese?" (aide whispers in his ear) "...Oh Jesus. Jesus, God. What the hell. (gags) That is so bad. (dry heaves) Ohhhh. Ugghh. Fuck it, I'm running for President."
LATE REPORT: It was Chipotle probably